This month has been an extreme growing month for me.

You warned me from the beginning that there would be a lot of introspection happening and you were right.

I’ve been forced to deal with a number of hard to swallow pills and changing ideals. Many of these pills, the biggest ones in particular, encompass you and our growing relationship.

I realize that this month I have been a bit frustrated with us. Specifically in regards to the growth of our relationship. I may have not outwardly verbalized it, but I finally recognized that it was there.

I love you more than I can put into words. When I have told you that I have found my soulmate in you, it is difficult for me to explain the immensity of my love for you and my connection with you. Soulmate, is the closest thing I can find in our language and still, I find the word unable to do justice to my feelings.

You said something last night that made me stop and think, and really examine myself. You had made a joke about long expired milk and not living in your own place. All I said was “well Sir….” You laughed, and said “I know, I know, just let me be wild a little longer.”

That, hit home for me.

I have never wanted anyone more than I want you. I want everything about you, your joy, your sorrow, your strength and your weakness. All of the good and all of the bad. I want all of it.

And I want to share everything with you. Always and forever.

The day you met my parents, I told my mom, “he’s it, he’s the one.” I said something else to her that I didn’t say to you. I told her “he, is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

The things I am about to say are heavy, and scary, for both me and for you.

But, I have to say them. I have to finally put them out there. They have been eating me alive for sometime now because I have been fighting the fact that these are the things that I want.

I have been fighting them, because I am afraid that if I say them, you will not only not want them, but you will no longer want me.

And that, that terrifies me more than anything.

I have gone out of my way to make sure you do not ever feel like I am pushing you, or rushing you into anything. Like I have always said, if you don’t want something then don’t do it. I don’t want you to do, say, or feel anything that is not true to you, just because you don’t want me to be upset.

I value your happiness, even above my own. And I value your independence and freedom, even more than my own.

But I need you to know a few things Sir. I need to get them off my chest. And I recognize that this has a great potential to change our relationship. In either a good or bad way.

Even as I write this, I am having a hard time finally saying to you what it is that must be said. My inner voice is very nearly screaming to just say it.

I also recognize that with as well as you read me, that you probably already know these things.

The things I want Sir, I don’t believe you want as well.

And it hurts.

Profoundly deep.

The several conversations we have had on the subjects have told me, pretty clearly, that you don’t want the things I do in life.

When I say I am not going anywhere or that your stuck with me, it is because I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

God.

It is so hard to actually just say the words.

*sighs*

I want to marry you.

There, I finally fucking said it.

I‘ve known for a long time now that I want that with you. Not only do I want you to share a life with me, but I want you as my husband, and I, want to be your wife. I want to have a family with you. I want you to continue to be the independent, wild, strong, loving man that you are, but I want to be the one you come home to every day. I want to turn to you for guidance and I want to be that safe place for you to land when the world becomes too much for you.

I want all of the good and all of the bad that comes with it.

I understand fully, the gravity of what I say.

And, as much as it hurts to admit it. I recognize that you probably do not want the same. Ever.

This month in particular I have felt this growing desire, and the frustration of not being able to talk to you about it. I get so emotional because I feel so very intensely for you, that is is hard to express myself.

You have made my whole world better, and I am a better person because of you. I have found the one that my heart desires. And I recognize that you do not have the same values as me on the subject, but to me, there is no greater expression of love that the promise you make at the alter. To love and obey.

I suppose these things are so very important to me because of the values I was raised with. Over time they have changed and morphed into my own values and ideals of life, love, and submission.

I have been battling my own fear and self loathing over this subject and I am finally aware, and accept the fact that it is ok for me to want these things. To want to be a wife, and a mother. And even more importantly, it is OK that I want these things with you.

I finally found the man I love, but more importantly, I finally found the man that deserves my love. And whose love I deserve.

I cannot promise I will always be a good girl. Or that we won’t have our own problems. But I can promise that I will always love you, that I will always try to be a good girl and I will always treat you how you deserve to be treated. With love, respect and patience.

So I ask of you Sir, please understand where I am coming from, and understand that this is not a demand or expectation. It is a want and desire.

But I also recognize that we don’t always get what we want, as much as that may suck.

But I will always, always love you.