Why do I crave control and structure?

Why?

My first instinct is to say because I like it.

I actually don’t.

I enjoy the freedom afforded to me by a lack of structure and a lack of control far more.

I like doing whatever the fuck I want.

But I don’t like the results of that freedom.

Which leads me to the why.

I crave control and structure because it is good for me.

Without some form of structure I wither. We see what happened during my time off of work. I accomplished nothing, and I because I did nothing I am struggling with the negative self perception of that.

I even fell out of my gym routine and am seriously pissed at myself because of it.

I have my routine, which, with the job change has been horribly upended and caused quite the ripple in my little world.

I don’t have my routine right now. It’s coming, but for now I am a little more than lost.

Routine, structure, guidelines, all these things I thrive within.

Even within the context of our relationship, I thrive on these things.

Knowing that I will be waking up to your kiss nearly every Saturday morning is part of that routine. Part of that structure.

It gives me something to plan for, and look forward to. I actually have a routine because of that constant. Friday night I spend some time cleaning, doing laundry, washing my sheets and blankets. I do my own self care as well. All because I know I will be seeing you in the morning. So I have fallen into this routine of getting ready for you the night before.

I derive a great sense of satisfaction and stability in structure. I find it calming and peaceful.

Much of this is due to the lack of structure I have in my day to day life.

I work in a metaphoric mine field.

I will never be able to predict or create a routine for my day. I may have my little routines throughout my shift, but overall, my day is hectic and unpredictable.

I thrive in that environment. I more than thrive, I succeed. Even in the utter chaos of a code I am calm, focused, in control of myself and my team. I am the eye of that storm.

And I leave it at work.

I cannot bring that home with me. I have tried, it wasn’t pretty. I have to leave that at work because it is not healthy for me to carry it home.

It is heavy. Tiering. Exhausting actually. Every decision I make significantly impacts not only my well being, but another human beings life.

Every single decision I make.

I can’t bring that home.

I still need that control. But I need it from somewhere else. Not from me.

I need to leave my decisions, control, choices, power at the door.

I want to give my decisions, my control, my choices, my power to you.

It is freeing.

When I release that hold on myself and entrust it to you, my soul becomes weightless.

I exist in the moment.

There is no doubt, no worries, no fear. And should my anxiety start to get the best of me, you settle me with a few words and your touch.

I am simply me.

I can trust you to keep me safe and for a short time I don’t have to check that my gun is loaded and nearby, I don’t have to look over my shoulder walking to the car, I don’t have to be in control of myself and my environment to keep myself safe.

I get to be free from worry. From fear.

I get to be authenticly me.

When you give me a directive, I take pleasure in following it.

When you give me structure, routine, I thrive.

I feel fulfilled and it gives me direction.

But I crave your control and your structure for more than just the freedom it gives me.

I crave it because it is you.

Because it pleases you.

I ask you what you would like me to wear because I want to please you.

I bring you coffee in the morning. Every time you sleep over you wake up to coffee. Because it pleases you.

And it pleases me to please you.

When you give me structure, routine, rules and expectations, it is your touch, your possession of me, even when you are not with me.

For example, you set tasks A and B, to be completed every day. I then have to determine how to complete those tasks in a manner that you will find acceptable. They become part of my daily routine and every time I do task A and B, I am thinking about you. I am reminded that I am yours.

Rules, tasks, expectations all are an extension of your control of me and my obedience is a demonstration of my active, ongoing choice to serve you.

And all of these things weave together to form that structure that routine I so desperately need.

I crave control and structure because it is good for me, it is my freedom and my pleasure.