I’m having one of those nights.

The kind that I’d never tell you about, and I don’t ever really want you to know that I have.

I am having one of those nights, the kind that is the reason I take this stupid pill.

I’m having the kind of night when I look in the mirror and no matter how hard I try to pick out something positive about myself I can’t seem to do it. That no matter how long I stand there and stare at myself, I can’t find one single thing I like about myself.

It’s not just what I see physically when I look in the mirror either.

I see everything that I am.

I see the daughter, friend, lover, nurse, boss, leader, caregiver, I see all these things and more, but I can’t find one thing about myself that I like. I can’t find one thing about myself that is good enough.

I’m having one of those nights that makes me want to be self destructive. Because I know deep down I don’t deserve the nice things in life, or to be treated well, or appreciated or considered.

I’m having one of those nights where I destroy every bit of self confidence I have.

I single handedly render myself insecure.

Where I sit here and seriously contemplate why you are with me. Because EVERYONE knows you are way outta my league.

Seriously. Have you looked in the mirror? You are stupidly fucking attractive. Like, it makes women stupid, that’s how attractive you are. Not just physically either. Mentally. Emotionally. Just the whole package. And the dick is phenomenal too, so there is that.

I am way out of my league.

And yet, you spend what little free time you have with me.

What the hell are you thinking?

That’s what runs through my head on nights like this.

So, I am having one of those nights where I can list endless reasons I hate myself, or that I am a failure.

I’m having one of those nights that I won’t go out because I won’t be able to feel pretty enough.

It’s the kind of night that makes me stare at my paperwork on the brink of tears because that voice in my head screams in my ear.

You are nothing

You are a failure

You are not good enough

You will never be good enough

You are not pretty

You are ugly and fat

You are not good enough

No one really wants you

No one cares about you

You are not good enough

You have no friends they are only around because they feel sorry for you

You are unlovable

You are not good enough

You don’t deserve to be loved

YOU ARE NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I am so sick of that fucking voice. But even the pills don’t shut her up.

She is always chattering away.

Some days I can ignore her easier than others. But not today.

Today she makes me want to run away from everything. Beg you to let me go because You deserve better than me.

Tender my resignation

Quit

But most of all she makes me feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. Like you are too good for me.

I don’t deserve you

I don’t deserve to be happy

I get really quite when I am not secure. I have social anxiety. A lot more than I have let on. I always have. Not just since my ex. The difference is that I could happily function with it before. I cannot now.

I am anxious about a lot of things.

Most of which I will never tell you.

Infact most of the time I will hide exactly how much of a wreck I am from you.

Because you don’t need that burden.

I am not good enough

I am not worth loving

So I’ve turned my music on and I am going to drown that bitch out until I pass out and struggle through another day.

The worse thing about having one of these nights, is wanting something I can’t have.

Sometimes just a kiss and a hug will do.