I am this odd dichotomy of power and control, strong, independent, take no prisoners type of woman who is constantly at odds with this vulnerable, quiet, and perhaps meek woman inside of me.

For years I have denied myself, hidden myself. Refused to acknowledge who I was. I have buried and hidden my vulnerabilities from others since they make far too easy of a target.

Yet you stand here in front of me patiently and I fall to my knees, baring to you, the very essence of my soul.

I have known no fear greater than the fear of giving myself to you.

Even when I stared death in the face, it did not shake me like you do. I did not fear it, like I fear you.

I do not fear you like I feared him. I do not fear you like I feared the others, the ones who forced my vulnerabilities and took a little bit of my soul from me. No, I do not fear you like that.

I fear the love you have for me, the all consuming passion and need you have for me. I fear the connection, the peace I feel with you. I fear the sense of belonging. I fear that knowledge I have, that tells me, beyond any shadow of doubt, that I am meant to belong to you.

I fear that.

That wall shattering, soul crushing, heart breaking potential that comes with this depth of connection.

That is what I am most afraid of.

You see, you are not scary. You offer me safety and security. But with those things that I so desperately crave comes the unknown. With it comes the love, the passion, the emotion so powerful it leaves me shaking and tearful after we make love. With it comes the actual and very real physical ache in my chest because I cannot express adequately enough, how I feel for you. And this aching emptiness in my soul, this feeling of being lost that comes when you are gone.

I realize those words make me sound somewhat irrational, perhaps even clingy and crazy. But rest assured love. I have been arguing with myself over that very thing since the beginning.

How does a one night stand turn into this? 

How do I know that I belong to you?

I don’t know. I do not have the answers. It scares me that I do not have those answers. It scares me even more that I have allowed thoughts of things to drift through my mind that I swore I would never consider again.

To be fair, you have been the exception to every rule I have had. You have broken every expectation, and preconceived notion since that first night.

From the first moment I looked into your eyes I was done for. And when my world exploded in white-hot fireworks when you melted into me, your fingers wrapped through mine, your head on my shoulder, I was yours.

You wait patiently for me to show you, tell you what I need. All the while, I find what I need the most, is you, more and more every day.

You have literally stripped me naked in a room full of strangers and showed them my most intimate vulnerability. But you wrapped yourself around me, engulfed me and sheltered me from harm when you knew I needed it the most in that moment.

You have pulled that meek, fearful, vulnerable little girl out. You keep her safe, without question you took her by the hand. You encourage that strong, independent woman. Allowing her to run free .

You bring out the best in all of me.

You ask for nothing, demand nothing. The expectation is set and the bar is high. I am afraid I will not meet it.

But the further down I kneel for you, the closer it is.